- a creative writing portfolio plus a supporting commentary
- a conference paper
- my dissertation
... and then I'm done.
I have very little knowledge of what I'm going to do after that. I'm trying to remain gloriously pessimistic and assume I'll get a third for my overall degree so that hopefully I'll scrape a second and be pleasantly surprised. Beyond that I have no idea where to go next.
I'll probably take up the first job I can find and work whilst I figure it out. I do know that I want to be published now more than anything. I'm looking into getting a book of three short stories published, completing it will be my next main project over the next few months. I'd like to have a full novel finished by the end of the year. I'll save money and go to New Zealand - maybe being there and travelling will inspire my writing further. I feel very confused about my future as a whole at this stage as I try to persuade myself that these past three years of study were not a waste, though some days it really has felt like that. The only benefits I can think of is what I've learned from studying creative writing, the friends I've met and the chance to live in Huddersfield (though I could have managed this without university) but anything beyond that has actually not been too helpful. It has, in fact, worsened my anxiety in many ways and made me repeatedly feel stupid in comparison to other course mates. I don't care for essays on Renaissance playwrights or lectures on Romanticism and I wish I had come to know this without making what has probably been the most expensive mistake of my life. Partly, I wish that I hadn't been pushed to go to university. I was made to feel that there was no other option. Halfway through my degree I began to feel that I was on the wrong course entirely but I was halfway there, halfway back; there was no point in quitting. It would simply have lead to unnecessary grief from that point on. So I stuck it out and here I am, three weeks from the dissertation hand in and the end of university life and I feel such an odd mix of emotions: stress, relief, confusion, joy, nostalgia... I've really no idea what to feel or where I'm going next and I'm strangely at peace with the nothingness ahead. Nothingness is unpredictable and exciting. I can't see what's ahead. I'm hoping for adventure. Maybe the next move should be to build a pirate ship and just sail the seas for the rest of my days. Childhood me would be proud.
(This is totally how I saw/see my life going)
My apologies. This blog was more of a mind dump than a structured post but, in truth, that's the current state of my brain. My thoughts go out to all those currently studying, especially of you have a dissertation/thesis/major essay or academic project due in soon. It sucks. It really fucking sucks. Just keep in there, stay awesome and it'll all be over soon.
If all else fails, I'll let you join my pirate crew.
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