This Ache.

So it looks like I might be needing surgery on my knee.
Fuuuuuuck.

I'm going to scream at the doctor who told me to just "go home and rest the leg" because it would "heal in time" because here I am almost a year later still with chronic pain. I pretty much said to him "Yo, this is a repeat injury. Something is definitely wrong. Can't you do an MRI? That's what I was referred here for... I'm in a lot of pain, bro."

and he was like "lolololol no, i cba dude. Go rest it and it'll be cool"

but after a conversation with a friend about to go in for a surgery for the same problem it looks like that's my only option.

fuuuuuck

It just sucks. There I was about a week after my 21st birthday, a milestone that most people celebrate with wild, youthful exuberance, and yet I was there buying my first walking stick.

I've had chronic pain for about a year now and it's just not fair. The impact it has had on my social life, my ability to move and exercise, has been awful. I can't stand through a gig any more. I've had to cancel so many plans with friends because my fucking knee has been painful. Do you know how lame that is? My doctor transferred me to a bigger hospital only for them to not do anything so I waited and waited, hoping things would get better. I can't walk for more than five minutes without my knee starting to act up. Apparently the surgery to fix it is a pretty standard procedure. I've been left with this terrible pain feeling like some old woman. The cold makes my knee worse. Doesn't that just sound like the stupidest thing? I promise you though, it's unabashedly true.

The only problem is that I've never undergone a surgery of any kind and truth be told the idea of it terrifies me. Apparently after this kind of surgery the leg is often put in a cast or leg brace to repair. I can only imagine trying to work and get around my home/daily life with a leg cast on. How am I meant to get a job if I can't even stand? How am I meant to get around my house or bathe or adequately care for myself when I'm alone through the day? I can imagine going absolutely crazy.

I've never had a surgery and I'm honestly terrified of the prospect even if it is a basic procedure.
Can I please just have my life back?