I have hit the wall.

There are times when it feels like suddenly you've hit a wall that you can't quite get past.

Mine at present is with this dissertation for today I simply cannot get myself to work or focus on anything.
At this stage I just want university to be over. It has been a long process and I've hated almost every step of it and this dissertation is a huge weight on my back that I cannot wait to be free of. 

Hopefully the next nine days will go quickly, I'll be able to get my work to a good enough state that it secures me a decent grade so I don't totally fail my degree and that's all I can really hope for. It sounds pessimistic but I suppose pessimism leads to less disappointment. At this rate I don't really mind what happens - as long as I get a degree and preferably scrape a 2:2 or a 2:1. I don't want to scrape a third and I doubt I'll get a first.

I happen to be terrible at organising myself which became all too clear and problematic when all of our university assignment deadlines, about 7 or 8, were all crammed into a 24 hour window. I tend to do a bit of work initially, really keen to do well, then leave it for a while and return closer to the deadline. This is a problematic method when all the work is in at the same time. With my level of disorganisation it didn't go well and if it hadn't been that way I think I would have had better grades but most of them were thirds and 2:2s, plus a 2:1 and a First.

I wasn't happy about it, it all felt like a failure, but I was determined to be better this year. So far in this, my third and final year, I have received only 2:1s and Firsts.

My degree is made up of the following components:

• 25% second year
• 25% third year
• 25% dissertation
• 25% creative writing portions from second/third year

Thankfully for creative writing the past two years I've managed to secure several firsts and 2:1s so that puts me in good standing. This year I've received mostly 2:1s for my modules thus far and I have one essay pending and a conference paper to write which I aim to totally nail. My dissertation is something I'm hopeful for - I'm aiming for a 2:1, whether or not I get it - who knows? 

As long as I can get a 2:2 or a 2:1 I'll be happy. At this stage I just want to finish university, obtain a degree and get on with my life. I know whenever I talk about university here it's often negative but truthfully I have hated being here since first year. I wanted to quit, but I didn't want to deal with the shame that would follow. 

So I'm going to try and hammer through this wall and get this work done. I'd love to finish this dissertation by the end of the day. After that, life will be just a slice easier.

To quote the last words of François Rabelais made popular recently by John Green's "Looking For Alaska": I go to seek a Great Perhaps. 

I'm really looking forward to the Great Perhaps that lies beyond and am feeling somewhat impatient in my efforts.