So I'm practically done with my dissertation, it's just a case of smoothing and adding to my references and so on. I wondered how I'd feel if, after all this, my dissertation came back with a bad grade. I suppose if it did I'd be a little sad at first but almost not care. Truthfully I know how much work and reading I've put into the entire process, how many times I've changed the overall argument or focus so that it had a sharper stimulus. I've organised myself and really pushed myself to work and I suppose, even if no one else sees that, I know that I've struggled and worked through the hardest academic piece of my life. I tried to bring in things I'd learned from my entire time at university from different subjects and tutors to really epitomise the experience in one document. I hope that it does well, but I am perpetually unsure of myself. This entire process, both the dissertation and university in general, have been endlessly stressful and I cannot wait for the process to be over. I just want to get a job so I can earn money to travel and start really living my life with enough time on the side to pursue my dream of becoming a writer.
I'm pretty sure my hair has been falling out recently, I often wake up in the middle of the night or find myself panicking and writing semi-therapeutic blog posts to vent the feelings (u c wat i did that?) and knowing it will be over soon is terrifying and liberating all at once.
If my dissertation comes back with a mediocre grade at least I will know that it was not a mediocre effort.
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