Saturday, 28 February 2015

REVIEW: Jupiter Ascending: What A Pretty Bunch of Space Bullshit

Oh boy....

I saw Jupiter Ascending with high hopes. It looked like a visually stunning film that follows an empowered female protagonist. I suppose that much is somewhat true. It is a beautifully presented movie and there is some argument that it's an empowering film about a female protagonist who won the genetic lottery and essentially owns the Earth. That said, this movie was a hot mess.

One cringe worthy moment was when Channing Tatum conveniently left his shirt behind.... ON ANOTHER PLANET.

One of my biggest pet peeves is how people conveniently fall in "love" very quickly in films. I feel it cheapens love. It makes it seem easy rather than a deep, romantic connection. Jupiter Jones quickly falls in love with Caine because, what? Because he's beefy and typically attractive? It's sloppy writing and unrealistic. They had absolutely no chemistry whatsoever. Similarly I was annoyed that they did the whole forced marriage cliché. Following Guardians of The Galaxy, a summer Blockbuster that was a successful space romp, this film falls so flat. I think that the delayed release of the film built a hype around it that the film could not live up to.

I have so many questions about this movie that were never answered.
What happened to Sean Bean's daughter? Did she come back from the store and realise her Dad had run off to another planet and left her behind? Is she even ok?
What was happening when Titus Abrasax was floating in the air with those women? Was it some sort of crazy, floating sex orgy?
So after aliens destroy and Earth city they can magically wipe all of our minds of the incident and fix damage and buildings? No, I'm not sold on that one. It feels like lazy writing.
Why did Balem sound like he had been punched in the throat? Who punched Eddie Redmayne in the throat?
Why on Earth would a woman sell her eggs so flippantly, just because her cousin asked her to?
When the wedding scene is happening are they suggesting that marriage exists beyond Earth? If so, are they lazy enough to suggest all vows and ceremonies are the same or is Titus following Earth wedding standards to please his human bride? Even in Space, marriage is a method of social security. Not very empowering....
What the heck was up with Nesh? His character wasnt explained and suddenly there's an elephant faced loon trumpeting at me and I freaking lost it in the cinema and started laughing obnoxiously because at that point I officially gave up with this movie.

My verdict on this film? It's just a bunch of space bullshit, but it's pretty space bullshit

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