REVIEW: Jupiter Ascending: What A Pretty Bunch of Space Bullshit

Oh boy....

I saw Jupiter Ascending with high hopes. It looked like a visually stunning film that follows an empowered female protagonist. I suppose that much is somewhat true. It is a beautifully presented movie and there is some argument that it's an empowering film about a female protagonist who won the genetic lottery and essentially owns the Earth. That said, this movie was a hot mess.

One cringe worthy moment was when Channing Tatum conveniently left his shirt behind.... ON ANOTHER PLANET.

One of my biggest pet peeves is how people conveniently fall in "love" very quickly in films. I feel it cheapens love. It makes it seem easy rather than a deep, romantic connection. Jupiter Jones quickly falls in love with Caine because, what? Because he's beefy and typically attractive? It's sloppy writing and unrealistic. They had absolutely no chemistry whatsoever. Similarly I was annoyed that they did the whole forced marriage cliché. Following Guardians of The Galaxy, a summer Blockbuster that was a successful space romp, this film falls so flat. I think that the delayed release of the film built a hype around it that the film could not live up to.

I have so many questions about this movie that were never answered.
What happened to Sean Bean's daughter? Did she come back from the store and realise her Dad had run off to another planet and left her behind? Is she even ok?
What was happening when Titus Abrasax was floating in the air with those women? Was it some sort of crazy, floating sex orgy?
So after aliens destroy and Earth city they can magically wipe all of our minds of the incident and fix damage and buildings? No, I'm not sold on that one. It feels like lazy writing.
Why did Balem sound like he had been punched in the throat? Who punched Eddie Redmayne in the throat?
Why on Earth would a woman sell her eggs so flippantly, just because her cousin asked her to?
When the wedding scene is happening are they suggesting that marriage exists beyond Earth? If so, are they lazy enough to suggest all vows and ceremonies are the same or is Titus following Earth wedding standards to please his human bride? Even in Space, marriage is a method of social security. Not very empowering....
What the heck was up with Nesh? His character wasnt explained and suddenly there's an elephant faced loon trumpeting at me and I freaking lost it in the cinema and started laughing obnoxiously because at that point I officially gave up with this movie.

My verdict on this film? It's just a bunch of space bullshit, but it's pretty space bullshit

Review + Response: The Imitation Game

Okay, okay... I know that this film has been out for weeks so it's a little late for a review but I'd not written one for a while and I had some thoughts on the film that I wanted to share.

The Imitation Game had been recommended to me so many times in the past few weeks so I had to carve out time to see it. As a member of the LGBTQ community I had to see it. I loved how naturally they depicted Turing's sexuality without making it a huge plot point, it was definitely treated as a respectful sub plot. I felt things were a little rushed and I would have really liked them to tastefully depict Turing's suicide as it remains one of the most beautiful and poetic suicides I've ever heard of.

This was a real character piece and Cumberbatch most definitely stole the spotlight. His portrayal of Alan Turing was strong, possibly his strongest yet. The rest of the film, however, fell a bit flat. We went through this whole journey of Turing joining the team and building a machine and yes, suddenly it works. We see it working and then are thrown a brief bit of information about how they used the information before Turing, in a most blasé fashion, tells us how the war dragged on for two years and was over. This was incredibly anti-climactic. Were it not for the strength of Benedict Cumberbatch and his portrayal of Alan Turing, this film would have fallen flat because the plot moves so hurriedly and without care for dramatic tension. Things are not adequately brought to a dramatic ground. Cumberbatch brings the laughs and the tears and really makes you feel. The rest of the cast give a decent enough performance (with Keira Knightley playing Keira Knightley as per usual) but this feels like a good enough film that certainly entertained. I feel that this could call for an Oscar nomination for Cumberbatch, that's for sure...

Interstellar: Full Of Stars, Not Much Shine.

So far this film has been like Marmite in terms of reviews: you love it or you hate it. Actually, no, there are also the people who didn't keep up enough to understand it and you'd forgive them for that. It's a fast paced and almost overly complicated film. Motives aren't always clear and decisions aren't always understood. This film is Gravity meets Inception but with a fast, messily delivered plot thrown against awesome backdrops. Since the film has only just been released I'll try to keep my review spoiler free.

This film is long, almost three hours long, and in truth I found myself almost falling asleep whilst the film was on. It just felt a bit messy as if some assembly was still required. A lot wasn't explained as to what was happening on Earth. Are all the animals dead? Is that an obliterated food source if we can only live on corn? If the animals are gone, what impact has that had on our ecosystem? Once Cooper leaves am I to honestly believe that the world survives for decades on corn alone? I had far too many questions. There are moments when the film is grand and challenging - that scene with the mountainous waves were jaw droppingly good. Sadly the rest of the film does not follow suit.
Of course this was a visually stunning film, but the rest left me wanting. Then, of course, the ending is far too convenient to be believed. The characters are underdeveloped. Overall this was a real flop for me.

What I can say for Interstellar is that the marketing and advertising has been excellent. They really mastered the art of creating a hype by keeping things under wraps. Secrets aren't easily kept in Hollywood but they did so well  in not giving much away in the adverts or releasing too many details in advance. Many films would do well to take note of this. I'd definitely like to see more films marketed like this where details are withheld for as long as possible to keep the experience fresh.

The Giver: Review + Response

I recently went to see The Giver. Following a spattering of dystopian book-based films for young adults (Hunger Games, The Maze Runner, Divergent) I went to see the most recent addition to the genre. Based on the 1993 novel of the same name I was pleasantly surprised by this refreshing film however it did leave me scratching my head with too many leftover questions about the plot.

The film follows Jonas, a young boy who lives in a seemingly Utopian society where pain and fear have been eliminated along with all other emotions. In their community, they must use precise language. Their job is selected for them at the end of their childhood. Jonas is given the role of Receiver of Memory, a high position where he will one day be used to help the council elders with their decisions on how to govern the people. This was a strong film but not the strongest out there. It poses as an interesting coming of age story in a world where Jonas has the ability to really open his mind and question his surroundings, a message that many youth today could benefit from listening to. This, however, is a message we're quite familiar with from dystopian media so it was a fine instalment but nothing ground-breaking. Also after her brush with scientology it was really interesting seeing Katie Holmes play someone wrapped up in a controlling society. It was an interesting cinematic piece as most of the film was in black and white thus giving it a real visual appeal with the use of colour and monochromatic scenes. This is definitely worth seeing and it really sets up what could be a larger narrative.

My questions at the moment are: Why does the Receiver of Memory receive memories of other people? How can they enter the minds of others to see into their memories? How does penetrating the wall (on a sledge, no less) unlock the minds of the townspeople? Why do they suddenly see the memories of people long before their time? Where is he taking Gabriel? Why do they have the marks on their arm? Thankfully the book that inspired the film is part of a series of four books so I hope that the film earns enough money and success to make a sequel. If not, I shall order and read the books.

Sex Tape: Review + Response

I've seen so many films recently that I meant to write a review for. Into The Storm, Before I Go To Sleep, Lucy... All of them were better than Sex Tape and far more worthy of a review but here we go, this is the review I'll start with.

I went to see Sex Tape and shared the cinema screening room with one horny (and potentially rather drunk) couple who spent the entire film laughing manically and falling over each other mid make out session. Sex Tape will pander to that kind of American Pie loving audience. I went to see the film with very low expectations. It didn't exceed those low expectations.

Sex sells: that's why people have gone to see this movie. Our culture is so obsessed with sex that it was sure to get butts into seats. The film follows Jay and Annie, played by Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz, who are an older couple with two kids and they are struggling to re-kindle their sex lives. One night they decide to really spice things up by making a sex tape having had a discussion about porn. Then, disaster strikes, Jay forgets to delete the sex tape and manages to sync the iPad he filmed the sex tape on with several other devices. Now their sex tape is available to many of their friends and family and they go on a not-so-thrilling adventure to get the sex tapes back. They have managed to send it to Annie's mother, their best friends, Annie's new boss... It begs the question: Who has that many iPads to give away? Who is so wealthy that they can afford to give iPads away to people they've just met? Who gives their mail man an iPad? Who? What? How? This film seems so stupidly unrealistic to be believed. Though the film isn't as smutty as you'd imagine, it's just darn silly. It didn't arouse my interest and the film was (excuse the pun) somewhat anti-climactic. It wasn't funny. It wasn't sexy. By the end it's some weird family-focused farce that is too far-fetched to enjoy. The film was a feeble attempt at humour that didn't bring out a laugh in me and I left as soon as the credits hit the screen. This was a real flop for me. An over the top wild goose chase...

I'm not sure if this film is a good or bad advert for Apple products.

Review + Response: Guardians of the Galaxy

So, this review is a little overdue. I went to see Guardians of the Galaxy at a preview showing as soon as I could. I went to see it before the general release.

Peter 'Starlord' Quill has an excellent scene in the opening of the film where he dances around on an abandoned planet. See Marvel, that's how you do a dance scene in a film. Not like that other one in Spiderman 3 which we shall not speak of...

I've got to be honest. I now find the X Men franchise to feel a little stale. My interest in Spiderman had peaked. I like The Avengers, but not to the extent that I feel other fans do. I found myself with a serious case of superhero fatigue. Guardians of the Galaxy, however, I adored. The characters aren't really superheroes. They're all somewhat relatable or, in the case of Groot, adorable.

Lee Pace is utterly and spectacularly unrecognisable as Ronan. Karen Gillan is spectacular as Nebula from her character portrayal to the costume and special make up effects on her character. As a director, James Gunn seems to have had a lot of fun crafting this film. The characters are great and the movie is genuinely funny. This feels like a fresh new franchise that I can really be excited for. It's really good to see Marvel developing passion projects that they're excited about rather than churning out stuff that's guaranteed to be a success. Guardians of the Galaxy is perfect for people who love Avengers and also fancy some Star Wars vibes. It doesn't take itself too seriously and boasts some seriously cool set and character designs. The sound track is awesome. We ordered a copy after leaving the cinema.

Aliens and 80s music - what more could you want?

Review + Response: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

So, the last film that I went to see was Dawn Of The Planet of The Apes and it was no monkey business. This is a serious sequel in a world that has taken a dark turn as we are updated on what happened years after the last film where the global population has been utterly decimated. I really love 'post-event' books and films so it was a real joy to see urban landscapes that have literally be
en claimed/reclaimed by nature and altered the face of the earth as we know it.

I am still so impressed with Andy Serkis as an actor and the process of acting involved in creating non-human characters. The set design of the ape village was utterly stunning. It was far more ambitious than the first film and it really begins to show how the apes are setting up their own civilisation. Now, they have horses, a thriving community and a code of conduct. They even appear to be setting up their own education system. Here we really see a society in the making. It makes some really interesting comments about evolution: our common ancestors somehow surpassing us as a species with a hold on the world.

The film features some excellent fight scenes from start to finish, all set against some visually stunning backgrounds. That said, it's not the sort of film I'd rush out to see again but it was certainly a strong step in a saga.

Visually, this was a stunning film. Though, can we take a moment to point out the clear Lion King parallel moment between Caesar and Koba that resembled the Scar and Mufasa moment over the stampede? It was like that scene but in reverse - I mean, come on, Koba even has the scar over the eye. If only The Lion King had featured a similar moment in which Mufasa had lived.... Sorry. I'm still not over it. Those Disney wounds run deep...

Review + Response: How To Train Your Dragon 2

At the weekend I went to see the latest installment of the How To Train Your Dragon series and, as expected, I loved it.

The film follows Hiccup and Toothless facing a new evil and discovering more about themselves and each other. We see how the worlds of dragons and Vikings have, since the last film, become one. There's more wonderful swooping, flying action in this 3D-fan-pleasing flick. The storytelling is imaginative and the designs of all the new dragons does not fail to impress. The film is substantial enough for viewers young and old and has a real sense of heart. It was a visual feast with great scenery designs and a wonderful soundtrack. Hats off to Dreamworks for creating a successful sequal that will no doubt soar at a Box Office high for weeks to come...

Chef: Review + Response

So recently I went to see the film Chef about a chef who is given a 2 out of five star rating and a career-ruining review by a renowned food critic. This pushes him to get back to his roots and open up a Cubanos food truck.


That said, the film itself only pulls 2 out of 5 stars.
What could have been a heart warming, foodie comedy fell very flat and seemed to focus more about the power of social media than the mending of a broken family or, you know, food. I was expecting food porn. I wanted to see and experience the food even more than we got to. I wanted more of a relationship to develop between the father and son. It took so long for us to get to the part where the protagonist even acquires the food truck and then they rush through the actual road trip where they could have really had fun with it and explored different regional/state foods and flavours even more. Basic synopsis: Man loses jobs and makes sandwiches for a bit. Miraculously fixes all his problems.


Sofia Vergara was charming and Scarlett Johansson, whose character was totally irrelevant and gratuitous, really suited her short brunette bob. This was an uneventful flick that glossed over the meat in favour of a few flicks of spice. I find it hard to believe that a simple tweet or two could honestly conjure up enough business. Sure, Carl the chef became a meme but memes die fast. Elements of the film just seem unrealistic. I'm sure the petrol/gas prices involved in driving across state and around America would have totally eaten up all of their earnings. This film was slow, like a meal that's flavourless and hard to digest.

Belle: Review + Response

I recently went to see the film Belle and I must say that I was immediately captured by the brilliance and glamour of this film. This film was the perfect blend of personal woes and politics as it followed Dido Lindsay and her life as a mixed race woman

It explored themes like racism and wealth/woman's worth. One little running theme I loved was the portrayal of race in paintings and how afraid Dido is to sit for a portrait because she is afraid of how she will be portrayed. I think that we definitely need more films that explore race and female agency. This was a real delight and one of the best films I've seen in some time. It was a pleasing, substantial costume drama that Pride and Prejudice fans should flock to see. It is always good to see a film about a woman made by a woman. Tom Felton reprised a Draco Malfoy-esque role as a ridiculous racist. Gugu Mbatha Raw gives a charming performance with real moments of human clarity that illustrate what it must have felt like to have lived in such a politically tumultuous time as she struggles with her identity and societal place. Asante as a director harnesses plenty of skill, grace and charm to make a crowd-pleasing film with plenty of personality. As much as this was a story about Dido, it was also a stpry about her cousin Elizabeth and it drew some wonderfully stark contrasts between the two women. This is a perfectly paced film, beautifully presented from start to finished, poignant to the end of the credits.

The Fault In Our Stars: Review + Response (Movie)

Alrighty: this is a review and I am warning you. THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.
If you have NOT seen the film and do not want spoilers then please do not read anything beyond this sentence.

I always get anxious when a big hype is created around a film because sometimes the hype sets up far too many expectations. I therefore entered this film with that sense of hype. I began to worry: will I be disappointed by a film I've looked forward to for so long? I was such a fan of the book. In fact, at one point, I had four (yes, four) copies of the book in my tiny apartment... and a signed poster... and a TFIOS shirt. I can happily say that I was very pleased with how the film turned out.

 This film got to me; in fact I first cried within thirty seconds of the film starting as a single tear peeked through my eye as I realised I'd just signed up for a rollercoaster that only goes up... before plummeting down. Some scenes were cut out and other scenes didn't translate well to screen in the same way they translated on paper. What must be said, though, is that it was very faithful to the book. It's refreshing to see film-makers respecting the original source material. The eulogy scene was utterly heart breaking. If I had any say, I'd want to see Ansel Elgort get an Oscar nomination for his performance. The gas station scene was so utterly heart breaking and, yes, I started crying then too. It was perfect in the aim of depicting cancer not as a graceful struggle, but as a painful, awful disease that ruins lives. The night of the broken trophies scene managed to make the entire audience laugh. It was pitched and performed so perfectly. What I love about the book is that it's a romance, yes, but it reminds us that love happens regardless of circumstance. It reminds us that even the young get sick and have to live through something as horrible as cancer. The film will hopefully reach so many that haven't read the book and hopefully it will really raise cancer awareness and support. I know that a lot of people living with cancer have appreciated some sort of on screen representation. This film is powerful stuff and a real amuse bouche before all of the traditional summer blockbusters roll in. This is a feel-good/feel-sad indie flick that is not to be missed.

Grace of Monaco: A Royal Bore.

Today I went to see Grace of Monaco starring the ever stunning Nicole Kidman along with Parker Posey, Milo Ventimiglia, Tim Roth and Frank Langella. With a star studded cast and the tragic tale of a starlet-gone-princess this could have been a promising film and I'd anticipated it with excitement. Sadly I was hugely let down by this snooze fest of a film. No wonder this film is bombing at the UK box office.

Filled with arbitrarily long moments of silence and extended close ups of Nicole Kidman's facial features, the film made for uncomfortable and dull viewing. It starts and ends with moments of silence which leaves the audience sitting there, awkwardly waiting in silence. Not even the lovely Nicole Kidman could save this flop. It skips so much of Grace's life to focus on the conflict between Monaco and France which, apparently, is all brushed over with an overly cliché and American speech you'd expect to find from a Miss America pageant contestant. It fails to deliver a dramatic crescendo or even to create any real sense of plot tension or character sympathy. No character feels relatable, characters are without chemistry and the film rushes by, glazing over an entire life to use Grace Kelly's character to narrate political difficulty rather than exploring her life properly.

As it ended I was left thinking 'Was that it?"

Nicole Kidman managed to portray more charm, higher class and a better story in her Chanel No 5 commercial.

The Book Thief. Review + Response

So, yesterday I gave my verdict on The Monuments Men and I was rather candid about how awful I thought it was. Now I'm here to tell you about another film set during WW2 - but this one was brilliant.

Based on the amazing novel by Markus Zusak, this was a stunning and poignant film about a young girl sent to live in a foster home during the Second World War. It's a wonderful tale about the powerful nature of love and the overpowering certainty of death. This film broke my feels. It captures a sense of what it must have been like to live in a Germany gripped by Hitler's reign and does so from the point of view of normal German families trying to cope with the changes in their town. Geoffrey Rush gave such a marvellous, heart warming performance. The brutal reality of the Holocaust itself isn't the focus here: it's focusing more on the changing attitudes of Germans in Hitler's Germany. I'd recommend this film to anyone, particularly young adult viewers.
Also if you see the film I urge you to also read the novel if you haven't already as it is so stunningly written. I personally really enjoyed this film.

Big January Film Review

Here's a post of films I saw this month and my thoughts on them. I started doing this last year because it means I can put together a big film review of several films each month all in one efficient post thus creating something concise and collected.

Here is a list of some of the films I watched in the month of January. I may have forgotten some but if I have I'll feature them in upcoming posts. That said, here are the films I saw in January and my thoughts on them.

American Hustle

Ok. This is going to be an unpopular opinion, I know, but I really didn't enjoy American Hustle.

For me it all felt kinda familiar, a little stale, and it wasn't really a breath taking film for me. I thought that Jennifer Lawrence gave a great, charismatic performance and Christian Bale went through a real transformation for the role but it didn't do it for me. The film had a pretty good soundtrack and, from what I hear, the director and cast were all more focused on exploring characters and real emotion rather than being tied down to a pre-written plot and I can appreciate that but I'm saying that this just isn't a film that I was really raving about with great passion.




Celeste and Jesse Forever

I actually didn't know if I'd like this or not but I saw it on Netflix and decided to put it on. It's the story of a couple at the very end of their relationship as they are about to finalise their divorce and yet they remain close best friends and as they put an end to their marriage they begin to question their flaws and feelings. It's a very human film with a real indie edge and some brilliant moments.

Tangled

I can't believe it took me so long to see this movie. A friend of mine wrote about it for her university dissertation for crying out loud. I watched it and really enjoyed it. It was a lot of fun and had some very entertaining moments throughout. The relationship between Flynn and Maximus was reminiscent of Jean Valjean and Javert and I loved that it put a really light twist on a Grimm fairy tale.

47 Ronin

This movie totally bombed at the box office but I actually really enjoyed it. It was a colourful fight fest with imaginative elements fused with the essence of feudal Japanese history and culture. It comes with an unexpected ending that most Hollywood films would try to re-write. Rinko Kikuchi totally stole the film for me via an utterly stunning performance. It was refreshing to see a film where there were only a handful of white characters as we're often so used to Hollywood white-washing. It was visually stunning with a great soundtrack that reignited my love of taiko drumming and Japanese language.







Catfish: The Movie

OK, so I watch the TV show of Catfish but until recently I had not seen the film/documentary that sparked it all.
I sat down to watch it and appreciated seeing the roots and inspiration for the show. It was kinda heartbreaking to see just how much faith Nev had put into this stranger. Of course, if you've watched the TV show, you know how it all ended for Nev but the movie was just so fascinating because you realise just how deep the deception in this particular story went and it's scary but thankfully since the documentary was released, and the subsequent TV follow up, internet safety has been signal boosted.





Heathers

I am not exaggerating when I say that this was one of the best films I've seen in a long time. It was so good that I don't want to say too much. From what I'd heard of it I assumed it'd be like Mean Girls... but in the 80s. Oh, how wrong I was.

Don't read anything about this movie, just watch it. It's on Netflix or DVD copies will be fairly cheap but do yourself a favour and watch it.

You Again

This was a bit of a gamble as I don't really like chick flicks or family comedies like this but it was a decent, predictable watch with moments of slapstick comedy and immaturity. It follows a young woman who returns to her home town for the wedding of her older brother. The only problem is she finds out on arrival that her brother is marrying her high school tormentor. Unwilling to allow her brother to marry a bully she does her best to break the two up in the run up to the wedding. If you like chick flicks, family comedy, wedding movies and light hearted fun then this is the flick for you.

Safety Not Guaranteed

This is one of the most recent films I watched and it was a refreshing film. This oddball, indie sci-fi was a great watch that left you guessing throughout the whole film. It follows a group of journalists who go undercover to follow up a bizarre ad in the personal column seeking an assistant for a time travelling mission. Their safety, it states, is not guaranteed. It's a film about trust, adventure and acceptance. This is a great summer movie or a good Valentine's Day movie regardless of you relationship status. It reminds us to remain open to adventure and to have hope and trust. As an audience you bounce between belief and disbelief as the film goes on and it unwraps slowly but it's a real laid back film that I highly recommend.




What movies have YOU watched in the past month?
What have you been enjoying?
Let me know in the comments section below.

Film Review + Response: Gravity (2013)

So today I managed to experience something I'd only previously dreamed of: I got to watch a movie with no one else in the cinema... Yes guys, I was living the dream. I've wanted a cinematic experience like this for some time, just me in that dark room and the big screen, must my heart and mind open to that narrative like it's something intimate just for me. I didn't want to put up with other people chatting and gasping or rustling with sweet wrappers. I'd wanted to see this film for a long time and I appreciated the intimacy of the viewing.

...And what better movie for this special occasion than Gravity? I sat in the middle of the empty cinema and never before have I sat watching a film and sorta feared for my life whilst feeling a blend of claustrophobia and fear of wide open spaces simultaneously...

What I like about this film is that I entered with very little knowledge of the content. The trailers I'd seen hadn't given away too much. This film didn't feel too formulaic in structure either. The overwhelming sense of peril had me sat in the audience experiencing everything Bullock's character Ryan is feeling. Never before has a film so effectively put me into the middle of the spectacle. This film felt almost Artaudian in approach and it certainly worked. This film is visually stunning and doesn't substitute substance for style. This is a film that puts you into some of the situations experienced within the film. I felt a part of the peril. I felt a little anxious and excited in ways no film has ever made me feel. I found myself gasping, clutching a hand to cover my mouth, covering my ears/eyes and I'm not someone who often physically responds to film like that. I highly enjoyed this movie. It's beautiful, well acted and a thrill from beginning to end. I totally recommend you go out and see it. 

Film Review and Response: A Knight in Camelot (1998)

After the Doctor Who 50th Birthday/Anniversary celebration I'm watching another kooky film about time travel: A Knight in Camelot featuring Whoopi Goldberg. This will be a bit of a raw blog with some collected thoughts at the end.

I've not seen this film since I was little. I had it recorded onto video tape. Then a sister was born and several of my films recorded onto tape were recorded over. I've not seen this film in so long. I only really remember the eclipse scene.

This film could arguably act as a subtle commentary on the colonial gaze.

Calling it "The Kablooey Project" because fuck science.
I like how this film gets straight down to business. Within five minutes she is in Arthurian England.

"My life depends on this...please?"
I know your feels, Whoopi. My laptop is my life too.

Whoopi Goldberg = master of sass.

"The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated," - wonderful reference back to Mark Twain there.

Well I enjoyed that. This is a really great family film. It features such a funny, intelligent woman as a leading protagonist. This would be a great film to put on for the kids around Christmas time. There is some swordfighting which makes for some slight peril but it's more comical than anything. This is a truly fun film with clean humour, silliness and positive messages for younger viewers. The ending has a very Doctor who vibe with Vivian and Merlin off travelling through space and time. This is perfect for young Doctor Who fans.

Queen of the Damned: The Book VS The Film

Before working on this post I had only seen Queen of the Damned once in my life. As an Anne Rice fan I vowed never to watch this dung pile of a film ever again. That was until I decided to compare the film and the book for you dear readers. I'd even said I'd do a review of the film for Halloween and then Halloween came and went and I still didn't want to bring myself to watch this damn movie. Now it's on TV by coincidence so I sat down and I'm going to watch it again. Admittedly I haven't read the book for many years but after this I probably will soon for refuge more than anything. If there's anything I miss then I'm sorry. As I've said, I haven't read the book for some time. I have a long to read list but I think I'm going to revisit a lot of the Anne Rice's soon having re-read Interview with the Vampire this year.

I want you to know, blog-ghosts, that I'm doing this for you. I hope you appreciate this. This is going to be a raw blog where I blog along and just blurt out my thoughts for you. Why? Because I'm not going to go back to watch parts of this film for any scholarly analysis. No thank you.

Any time someone tells me they enjoyed this film I can automatically assume that they have not read the book.

Stuart Townsend, what is your accent at the beginning? Is that meant to be partly French or are you just hamming out a Bela Lugosi-esque performance?

I have to be honest though, the music in this film is pretty good.

I'm thinking about how you'd feel as someone unfamiliar to the books at this point. It goes straight into this narrative without explaining who Lestat is or anything about his past. So far it hasn't given him a reason for having been asleep for one hundred years. Also it goes straight to Lestat and the band being famous. I'm just trying to clear my mind and imagine I'm watching this with no prior knowledge of the Vampire Chronicles. Anne Rice writes in a lot of detail. In fact it's interesting to point out that even she is embarrassed of this more than unfaithful film adaptation. Firstly Stuart Townsend isn't right for Lestat. Lestat is meant to have blonde hair and greyish eyes.

What genre would you even put this film in? Horror? It isn't scary. I guess, though, you could call it horror for violently butchering the original source material beyond recognition.

"I'm very ticklish,"
And I'm cringing, Lestat.

I can't believe this guy was actually considered for the role of Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings films. He pulled out just before filming was set to commence.

Marius did not make Lestat. Marius did not make Lestat. Marius did not make Lestat. Marius did not make Lestat. Marius did not make Lestat. Marius did not make Lestat.

Fun story: In my first year of university I had two pet rats named Maharet and Mekare since they were two of the same litter, almost identical and Mekare had a reddish tinge to their fur.

David in this movie is just wrong. 

Marius in this movie is just wrong. 
I recall that Armand later turns up in this movie and is totally wrong. Armand in this film is more like a good Loras Tyrell. Marius and Armand are my favourites. Don't get me wrong. I adore Louis. I adore Lestat. I just love Armand and Marius that teeny bit more, I guess, therefore it pains me to see them so poorly portrayed. Even in the Interview with the Vampire film... I think that Antonio Banderas made a wonderful vampire but a poor Armand. He was so utterly wrong for the character.

Ha!
So Lestat is feeding from Marius and Marius says the line "Good, is it not?" in relation to his own blood. I remember laughing so hard about that with the girls I watched the film with and was at school with at the time. Then Lestat sits up awkwardly and goes "More."
Guys, I'm cringing.

I mean...
Who doesn't want to wake up in a castle without their pants on?

I do love the violin bit on the beach.
Not the scene, the actual music being played by the violin.
Lord.
Suddenly Lestat has golden eyes like a werewolf, Marius has darker eyes like a lycan from Underworld. Can I just watch Underworld Awakening instead?

I've just remembered, I don't recall Khayman featuring in this film at all... Does he appear at all?



Let's play a game. It's called "Who made a better Lestat: Tom Cruise or Stuart Townsend?"
The answer: I don't know but even thinking about it makes me want to start drinking gin.

Lestat chained to a bed whilst Marius looms over? This is the stuff that fanfiction is made of.

Ugh. Cue cringe-worthy "Goth" club scene featuring Jesse with Miley Cyrus hair. It's scenes like this that perpetuate bad images of Goth clubs as hostile or more focused on the sexual and fetish exploration. Don't get me wrong - I'm not hating on fetish clubs but the amount of times I've been to a Goth club and people have stood there looking confused like "why are you just dancing to Southern Death Cult? Is that all you do? Let me grind up against you now."
No.

This film is super campy. Maybe I didn't realise it when I first watched it but my God this is camp, borderline B-Movie quality in places.

You really expect me to believe that a vampire would wear a turtle-neck sweater? Puh-lease, girl. *sassy snap*

Wait. Maybe I haven't paid enough attention to the film but has it even touched on why Marius is keeping Akasha and Enkil? Has it even mentioned why Akasha and Enkil are... oh wait, I'm stopping mid sentence because Aaliyah is on screen and she is stunning. I love her outfit. Maybe not the head piece but the outfit itself is amazing and she moves her body like some sort of cobra. What is this sorcery?

The forced Jesse and Lestat love story is painful. Oh God, a moment of prolonged and dramatic staring. I guess we know where Twilight learned it. Here you see them drastically alter Jesse's character. Jesse turning into a vampire in the film and in the book are totally different. God, I'd forgotten so much of this movie. Remind me to never watch it again for good this time.

"HELLO DAVID"
Oh God, that's another line that had my friends and I chuckling.
"I MUST SHOW YOU MY NEW PAINTING SOME TIME."

ARMAND YOU GRINNING FOOL, JUST STOP IT.
YOU LOOK MORE LIKE CLAUDIA.

Marius landing on the stage with a Zoolander-like expression on his face: priceless.
"Good, is it not?"

The movie is called "Queen of the Damned" and yet that queen, Akasha, hardly features in the movie. It's like Beetlejuice; the titular character actually takes up such a small percentage of the film itself. They should've just done a Vampire Lestat film.

I do dig Akasha's eye make up with the long flick from her lash line and the line curved from the tip of her eyebrow...

So Jesse just wakes up and is magically at Maharet's Sonoma compound with absolutely no explanation. The poor people watching this film who didn't know the book and were probably trying to keep up with what on Earth was going on at this point...

The vampires in this film are messy, drinking blood in a sloppy manner, but Anne Rice's vampires are meticulous and do not spill a drop. Vampires in sunlight? It so far hasn't even really explained or explored Akasha's aims. It hasn't introduced Armand and Panroda and the other vampires. This film is really messy. 

Even in the film they're forcing some sort of relationship with Lestat and Jesse but they've only really known each other for, like, ten minutes meeting only a few times. This actress is terrible.
"No aunt Maharet, it's what I want..."

It's also so silly that in this film Pandora should die where Armand, a much younger vampire, does not.

That's not how Jesse becomes a vampire.
That's not how Akasha dies.
Pandora doesn't die.
That's not what happens. Stahhhp.

The film mentions nothing of the twins. Mekare doesn't even seem to feature thus far and I don't think she does at all.

"A wild Marius appears... He uses Hello David. It is super effective."

"HELLO DAVID."

OK.
Film over.
Final thoughts.
I'm still laughing my head off at "Hello David."

I'm sure the disjointed narrative and unexplained, under-developed characters made this a difficult film for many who are unfamiliar with the books to keep up with. Though, I suppose, you could probably say the same of those who had read the books. It lacks the Anne Rice charm that an adaptation of her work truly deserves. For Anne Rice fans this film is a waste of time. Characters like David, Pandora, Armand etc were hardly even introduced creating a truly disjointed film of fan favourites from the books that are utterly rejected by being pushed to the back to make way for nonsense. What a steaming, unpolished turd of a film with a decent soundtrack woven in throughout. 

This film should retire into a coffin and not come out. Ever.

While we're on the topic, I'm pretty sure that the film rights to The Tale of The Body Thief by Anne Rice were sold long ago. I genuinely have hope of a good Vampire Chronicles film. I really can't wait to see Angel Time being adapted for the screen and I'd love to see what could be done with The Wolf Gift. This film, however...

In conclusion:

Film Review: Legend (1985)

Legend is one of those films I've heard of many times, even had it recommended to me, but never watched. This imagining of an untold Gothic fairytale comes with a pretty cheesy opening and Tom Cruise dressed like Peter Pan.
I feel you'd probably like this if you enjoyed Labyrinth, The Princess Bride, The Dark Crystal etc.

The film follows two pure-of-heart youngsters in their quest to fight against the Darkness that threatens their world. The film follows Princess Lily (played by Mia Sara) and her forest dwelling, elf befriending lover Jack (played by Tom Cruise)

I feel that this is the sort of film I'd really have appreciated as a child but I've grown into such a boring adult that my cheese detectors were going off so many times. I think some films you just have to experience first with child like awe and a total suspension of disbelief to fully appreciate later in life. That said I actually really enjoyed this. I appreciate the costumes and set design. The iconic prosthetic and design of Darkness was flawless considering when the film was released. It's so much better and much more enjoyable than I had previously expected.

Things I've learned from this movie: I would go to any Underworld or Hell Dimension to be Tim Curry's bride.

There's also an elf character, Gump, who looks exactly like Frankie Muniz as in Malcolm of Macolm in the Middle.
If you don't believe me, take a look for yourself:

Yes. No. Maybe

I don't know...

Can you repeat the question?

I feel like, if this were ever to be remade, that Peter Jackson could do really great job of it. In fact I'd really love to see what Peter Jackson could do with a remake of Legend. If he does, I want to play Oona the Fairy. There, I'm calling it. I want to see a Peter Jackson re-imagining of Legend.

Under-appreciated films: For A Good Time Call... (2012)

This 2012 film was hugely popular at film festivals last year and has become hugely popular in the indie film scene so I decided to sit down and watch it. It's a quirky sex comedy that explores the adventures of two girls, previous high school enemies thrown together by a mutual friend, who put aside their differences and set up a phone sex business together to earn money to stay in their luxurious New York apartment.

Full of ribald humour, this is a film that could certainly loosen up an audience as you have to let go of your reservations pretty quickly. It explores relationships, romantic and platonic, and the interesting dynamic between phone sex operators and clients and the exploration of sexual fetishes. This film shows a light-hearted approach to the lives of professional sex workers and showing them in a more positive light than the media would often portray them whilst also setting up an interesting story of friendship; this makes for an unconventional but enjoyable chick flick. This is a funny, sex positive movie that I recommend to anyone. This film is colourfully directed and features excellent performances from Ari Graynor and Lauren Miller. This film is sweet in places with little bursts of hilarity and sentimentality throughout set to a typical, Hollywood cookie-cutter style narrative frame. I'd it's well worth a watch.

This film comes from the magnificent Focus Features, a film company that never steers clear of a controversial film. In fact Focus Films often create feel-good movies that have a positive stance on sexuality and sexual expression. Other Focus Features films I'd recommend: The Kids Are All Right, Milk, Brokeback Mountain, The World's End, Moonrise Kingdom, One Day and Atonement.